You’ll never be okay, but you’ll come so close.
written by l.a.w.texts I won’t ever send #4
Some days I’m more scared of you than in love with you.
written by l.a.w.texts I won’t ever send #3
There’s a monster sleeping in my bed and it’s stolen your face.
written by l.a.w., texts I won’t ever send #2
1. You will see your best friend again and it won’t feel the same because it is not the same.
2. There are things that you can never come to terms with. If you can’t accept them, at least hold them close. At least listen. They’re trying to tell you something.
3. breathe, breathe, breathe.
4. There is something in you that you cannot recognise in your friends. Look closer.
5. Has anyone ever told you you run away too easily? I wish I could dry your tears but you’re gone before they hit the ground.
6. You’ll find love in someone with more energy than they know what to do with. You won’t really love them, only how they remind you what it’s like to be alive.
7. Remember how you used to do cartwheels every day for the fun of it? Do a cartwheel. It doesn’t matter if you fall on your face.
8. You’re lying to me.
9. She’s gone and you know it. Stop sleeping in her bed.
10. There are babies in this world who are smiling for the first time. There are ants who fall in pools and little kids kind enough to fish them out. There are birds who can’t fly and are okay with it.
written by l.a.wtexts I won’t ever send #1

A stitch in time saves nine
and if you keep on this way you will end up
with nine thousand, and even then
you will try to sew yourself a little thinner.
the truth is, you might never
stop wishing your edges
were concave. you might never stop hoping
for the hollow spaces.
You can only stop yourself
carving your flesh out for them.
Clip your nails and stop them
from digging in.

You can teach yourself
to smile at the mirror. Teach your reflection how to make friends.
Learn how to take up space
again. How to let your tears overflow and drown
these thoughts. How to mourn
for these wasted years, this wasted flesh.
How to let your love
seep through your ribcage
to your stomach.
How to ask for more, please,
how to sink your teeth
into a peach and focus on the sweet,
on the juice
dribbling down your chin,
on the holy. this piece of fruit
will be holy. a sacred site
in your life. You will forget about it
in the future, see only the blur of progress,
a time-lapse
but in this moment, this peach
is an item to worship. It will teach you how to love something
more than calories.


written by l.a.w.this is what I know.

You should have known, you silly girl
you heavy chested broken nailed
heart-beating-in-time-with-the-ocean girl.
You should have known.
Nothing was every supposed
to so come easy for you.
you whose every smile
is a war won.

you should have known
it was never supposed to be like this:
ice shattered at hello
and then a whirl, and then a love, and then
a I’ll never let you go.
and then a this is too good to be true.
and then the letting go.
and then the truth.

You didn’t love him you
loved the taste of easy.
not his lips. not your breath mixed.
just the cease-fire, the chance
to rest. when his weight
on your bed is gone
for the weekend you do not miss it. when he turns
and smiles like you’re everything
you do not want to kiss him. and he can feel it.
and it is not a war but you are both dying
nonetheless.

Step away from this.
Swim in the sea and let your heart
speed up again. Remember that you
are no fighter but you will have to fight
for anything you get.
You should have known.
You should have.
You should.
You
silly girl.


written by l.a.w, you should have known

The truth is this: I still cry
when I think about you sometimes. You beautiful
Little girl, you are dying but you will not die
Just yet.

.

You are thirteen and you’ve always believed that no one ever means to hurt you,
Except that now they do. Except that they are leering
Across the playground. Except that you are skipping school
To avoid them. Except that your teachers force you to talk it out
And talking leaves you a teary mess.
And these girls used to be your friends.
Let me tell you this: some of these people will never
Understand what they did. And the others
Will collapse from the guilt. They are trying to figure it out just like you,
And one day you will understand.

You are thirteen and for the first time in your life
You are more afraid of your father than any monsters in your bed.
He throws a plate and it smashes
Next to your sisters head.
It’s a sound you will never quite
Forget.

You are thirteen and they are five, they are ten years your senior and they will accept your
“Oh god I messed up I’m sorry,” with grace, with fucking
Conditions to follow. They are the people
You call friends and they will never take the blame. You think
That it is your fault and they will let you.
They will never apologise
For making a little girl want to die, and it will take you three years
to realise that that isn’t right.
But it isn’t. But it isn’t. You are thirteen and you are still learning.
And you are not ready
For these big girl shoes
That they have forced you into.

You are thirteen and you do not know anything but how to forgive.
You are thirteen and you blame yourself for everything.
baby, sometimes other people
Are wrong and it is okay
to be angry.

you are thirteen
and if I was your sister
Your mother your father a random stranger
Who saw you walking home from school with a heavy bag and a ripped out throat
I would hold you tight and not let go, shout at the top of my lungs until they burst that you are not weak you are not selfish you are not a disappointment you are not to blame -
You are just thirteen. And this is tragic but you are not
A tragedy. this is not
The closing scene of a play.

Darling there are so many things
I wish I could teach you but I already know
You cannot learn. The sadness washes everything else
Away.

So instead this is my promise to you:
You will find a way
To believe that people are good
Again.
It will take a year of searching but you will find your voice
And re-learn how to make friends.
You will be able to get out of bed
Almost every day. You will look at the future
And see yourself. Not a grave. You will see endless
Excitement. Endless possibilities.
People will look at you
And see sunshine. The world will make sense.
you’re gonna be okay.
You’re gonna be okay.
you’re gonna be okay.

.

To the girl who used to go by my name, the truth is this:
My memories of you
Are a sad haze. The depression fades everything
To grey.
You and I are just different lives
Of the same body. And I am sorry.
And I am sorry.
And I am sorry.
And I am.


written by l.a.w., to the girl who used to go by my name

These are the easy parts of me
my mouth: lips that never chap and always bend
To yours. Always in sync. My tongue twists
Into the shapes you want it to:
“I can do this,” and
“I love you.”

The freckles on my back;
So many that you can trace anything
Onto me. A heart. A smile when my lips won’t
Budge. A love poem, an apology.
For when you can’t
Reach me.

My fingers skimming
Along your face. Running
Through your hair. Holding tight
To you. My nails are chewed to stubs but I won’t say
If you won’t.

Let’s stop here, darling. Let’s not mention the ribcage
Or the broken spine. The teeth that rip shreds
Out of you.
The skull keeping you out
Of my head. The sternum you seem to crack
Every time you make me cry.
Let’s not face the facts, darling.
You only know how to love my flesh
And not my bones.


written by l.a.w., the hard parts